it's just my face

It was a perfect Sunday evening.  A new hot spot in town with my best friend and her family.  I was accidentally drunk off of good beer.  I tasted them all.  The music was good, the conversation was good, the people watching was excellent.  It was a good time.  I still had every intention of completing my 40 days.  I was almost done.  Only 14 or so left.  I was okay with going home alone.  I was doing my best to not be the flirty girl that I normally am.  I even turn downed an offer that had been presented to me.  "I don't want sex, I just want to cuddle." I was proud of myself. Then it happened.  He walked in with his cut off rock and roll t-shirt, swim trunks, and equally obnoxious shoes.  His body wreaked of chlorine like cheap cologne.  I went over to say hello.  We hugged.  I still had no intentions of breaking my streak.  We talked about the going on's of our lives and laughed.  I te...

Today was a hard day.  I miss Greg.  Alot.  I never thought I would still be struggling with this all this time later.  9 months later.  It hurts the most when I am alone.  So there I was driving to my meeting and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  We are never going to be together again.  There are songs that I still can't listen to.  I let them play today.  And I sobbed.  I haven't ever really given myself the chance to feel what I'm feeling about him.  I push it away.  Focus on other things, or other people. I can't remember why I left.  I doubt myself now for making that decision.  I'm not sure I made the right one.  We always forget the bad things, right? And tomorrow begins a week alone.  No Izaak, he'll be gone.  No boyfriend.  I can't even have a male "distraction," that would void my experiment and I would really be mad at myself.  I don't remember a time when I was this alone....

"If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten." I am unhappy with the status of my male relationships.  I feel that trying a different approach my get me a different result.  Every relationship I've ever had has begun in the sack, THEN I get to know that person.  I feel that this approach may have gotten me into some of the unhealthy relationships that I have been in.  I feel that sex has driven so much of what I do on a daily basis, that it may have become a bit of a problem.  And so for 40 day, it is my intention to abstain from any sort of sexual activity.  I can't tell you the last time I've gone that long without any sort of sexual stimuli.  It should be interesting.  I'll let you know how it goes.  According to my calculations, 40 days will be complete on July 4, Independence Day.  Kind of fitting, don't you think?