Two Steps Back

Today was a hard day.  I miss Greg.  Alot.  I never thought I would still be struggling with this all this time later.  9 months later.  It hurts the most when I am alone.  So there I was driving to my meeting and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  We are never going to be together again.  There are songs that I still can't listen to.  I let them play today.  And I sobbed.  I haven't ever really given myself the chance to feel what I'm feeling about him.  I push it away.  Focus on other things, or other people.

I can't remember why I left.  I doubt myself now for making that decision.  I'm not sure I made the right one.  We always forget the bad things, right?

And tomorrow begins a week alone.  No Izaak, he'll be gone.  No boyfriend.  I can't even have a male "distraction," that would void my experiment and I would really be mad at myself.  I don't remember a time when I was this alone.  It's going to be good for me.  I'm going to be exhausted.  Maybe this is what I need to get me over the hump.

"I"m done hoping we could work it out.  I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels, letting you drag my heart around.  I'm done thinking you could ever change.  I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.  Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger."

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