it's just my face

As I sat at soccer practice last night a thought crossed my mind.  "I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have to be here right now."  I then began fantasizing about quiting my job, packing my bags, and moving.  Starting over.  I could use a fresh start right about now.  For a minute, I resented the force that holds me here.  I was angry that I was the one that HAD to be there.   At soccer.  A Corona to celebrate Cinco de Mayo sounded better to me, but NO!  I was at soccer!  Before he came along, I did what I wanted.  I didn't think about how my actions affected anyone, not even myself.  I was reckless, irresponsible.  Perhaps even wild. Then came the guilt.  He depends on me.  He depends on me for everything.  That's HUGE.  Everything.  I've created the life he lives.  The life that makes him happy.  I am the reason he is the person he is....

"I'm not a slut.  I just have the desires and morals of a man." I heard that in a movie once.  The movie was about a slut.  I really don't believe the word to be that of a negative one.  To each his own.  Some of us happen to enjoy sexual variety more than others.  I don't think this is a bad thing.  It can get you into trouble every now and again. As of late, I have been trying to explore different things in my life.  One of those things is dating.  I've never been a big "dater."  I have always prefered to go to a bar, set my sights, play the game, get what I want and go home.  I have become very good at this over the years.  Maybe too good.  I figured it was time to try something new.  Up until recently, I had never been on a offical date BEFORE sleeping with someone.  (I'm a slut.)  I thought I would try it, see what all the hype's about.  Let me just say, I'm not impressed Maybe I haven't been...

I didn't know what to expect when I saw you.  It's been so long.  I didn't know how you would react to me.  I didn't know how I would react to you.  I thought about it all day.  Worried it would hurt. It was so nice to see you .  I forgot how easy it is for me to talk to you.  You look great, handsome as ever.  I never thought that leaving you would be this hard.  I still love you.  It makes me wonder why I even left in the first place.  I wonder if I made the right choice.  I am always going to love you.  I will always be proud of you.  I look forward to the day when I stop comparing every lover to you.  Every kiss, every touch.  It's not you.  It's not the same. It was hard for me to take my eyes off of you .  I could see that you were struggling with the same problem.  I can't stop thinking about that.  I can't help but think about what would have happened if it went a little bit d...

About a year ago,  my mother gave me a book.  It's called, "The Language Of Letting Go."  It's a book of daily meditations for codependent people.  I was a little insulted but I took the book anyway.  At first I didn't read it, but now I read it everyday.  Mostly I open the book because when I do, the familiar scent of my mother comes wafting from the pages. I am still struggling with the meditation for April 14. Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are (okay, I got that down) , and myself as I am (pfft!  There are so many things I need to change!  I can't accept myself) .  I will strive for that balance of expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself. That voice in my head needs to change.  Do you know which one I am talking about?  The negatitve one that points out all of my imperfections.  I don't expect much from myself.  That way, when I fail, I'm n...