it's just my face

Okay, since my last post I have (nearly) completed a half-marathon.  The days leading up to the event were like nothing I've ever experienced in my life!  I've never been so nervous about something that I couldn't sleep or eat.  No sleep, no food, just a couple of jittery days blurred together.  I had to force myself to eat.  I knew that I needed to be nourished so that my body had the energy to endure the long haul.  There was also the looming forecast for Sunday, mid 80's, sunny, and humid.  I haven't been training to run in heat like that.  The race directors have been bombing me (and everyone else) with emails and FB updates.  Shit was getting real.  I drank 2 gallons of water every day all week to prepare my body and tried not to focus on that part of the challenge. My trip to Green Bay the eve of the race was an emotional one.  I've invested so much thought, energy and time into this race.  I didn't want to fail.  ...

9 more days....  NINE!  Holy fuck!  When I committed to this 13.1 mile race, it seemed like it was worlds away.  Now it's only NINE DAYS!  I've put some miles on my feet, they are still sore from my last long run 4 days ago.  My quads are ripped, my legs feel strong.  I can do this!  But HOLY FUCK I'm nervous! I'm obsessed with this race.  What am I supposed to eat for the next week?  I know I'm not supposed to run, but can I exercise?  What if I trip at the start?  Look at all those people!  What am I going to wear?  What if I don't like my playlist for the race?  GAHHH! I read today's Cellcom newsletter this morning and I got so nervous I thought I was going to puke.  Then I cried.  Dear Lord, this next week is going to be a long one.  But in 10 days, I will be able to say, "I did it."

I ran ten miles tonight.  Ten slow, hard miles.  One thing I really love about running is all the time you have to let your mind wander.  Sometimes I even wander without a soundtrack playing in the background.  There have been many days where my mind goes to dark places.  I think bad things (mostly about myself), and then I process the information and manipulate it until I've thought of reasons why I shouldn't think those bad things anymore.  It's a good thing. Tonight I was thinking about the fact that I am alone.  It's not so much the alone that bothers me, but I'm starting to get lonely.  I don't feel this way all the time, but when I do it really sucks.  I've been tinkering with thoughts of "do I or don't I want to be in a relationship."  I miss being held, I miss having someone to share dinner with, I miss being told I'm beautiful and having my back rubbed... these are definitely the pro's of being in a relationship.  So I th...