Running makes you think

I ran ten miles tonight.  Ten slow, hard miles.  One thing I really love about running is all the time you have to let your mind wander.  Sometimes I even wander without a soundtrack playing in the background.  There have been many days where my mind goes to dark places.  I think bad things (mostly about myself), and then I process the information and manipulate it until I've thought of reasons why I shouldn't think those bad things anymore.  It's a good thing.

Tonight I was thinking about the fact that I am alone.  It's not so much the alone that bothers me, but I'm starting to get lonely.  I don't feel this way all the time, but when I do it really sucks.  I've been tinkering with thoughts of "do I or don't I want to be in a relationship."  I miss being held, I miss having someone to share dinner with, I miss being told I'm beautiful and having my back rubbed... these are definitely the pro's of being in a relationship.  So I think I want it.

Then I think about not being able to head out the door for a run whenever I can.  Or having to "check-in" with someone, not being able to flirt when I go out.  Feeling guilty when another person compliments me or stares at my chest.  Or feeling guilty about not spending enough time with Ike or my friends...

UGH!  I don't think I'm ready to be with someone again just yet.  Or maybe I am.  Oh well!  I will continue to ponder this on my next run, but for now I'm tired!  10 miles is a looooong way!  Oy!

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