it's just my face

About a year ago,  my mother gave me a book.  It's called, "The Language Of Letting Go."  It's a book of daily meditations for codependent people.  I was a little insulted but I took the book anyway.  At first I didn't read it, but now I read it everyday.  Mostly I open the book because when I do, the familiar scent of my mother comes wafting from the pages. I am still struggling with the meditation for April 14. Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are (okay, I got that down) , and myself as I am (pfft!  There are so many things I need to change!  I can't accept myself) .  I will strive for that balance of expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself. That voice in my head needs to change.  Do you know which one I am talking about?  The negatitve one that points out all of my imperfections.  I don't expect much from myself.  That way, when I fail, I'm n...

I am not important to him.  He is any number of men that I have given my attention to recently.  This realization has paralized me.  It has taken my will to smile, care about my appearance, laugh.  I am not important to him.  I am fed-up, tired, and frustrated.  Why do we do this?  Why are we always looking for someone to love us?  Why isn't the love we give ourselves ever enough?  Why can't I teach myself that it is enough?  I would like to believe that there will come a day when I say, "Fuck you, I don't care what you think.  It's not important."  I'm not there yet. 

A man recently said to me, "You are gorgeous, don't ever settle."  I smiled and passed it off as another cheesy pick up line in the bar.  He began again. "I mean it.  You are one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  You deserve to be with someone who is going to tell you that you are beautiful everyday.  Do not settle for anything less."  I thanked the man and then headed out the door.  The more I thought about it, the more I agreed with what this man had told me.  It made me think.  What are my standards?  What do I expect?  What are some things that are non-negotiable? This list is subject to change, but it's a good place to start.  Here are some of the qualities that I expect Mr. Right to obtain. No picky eaters need apply.  If I can't cook for you then there's no deal.  I am impulsive and whimsical in the kitchen, if I gotta think about someone's finicky self, I'm done. Employment is a necessity. I...

Have you ever gone through a phase in your life where there were many coinsidences?  The same kind of things keep popping up (no pun intended) all over and you can't seem to wonder if God, mother nature, the universe (whatever you may believe in)  is trying to get back at you for something.  I must have done something to deserve the luck I have been dealt in the penis department this year.  Maybe it's something I said.  I have seen and touched my fair share of cock.  Let me say, I must have had my lucky streak early.  I'm not quite sure where average may fall, but in my past, there haven't been many that were average.  Some were uncomfortably large, but mostly good sized piece of equipment.  Very good at serving their purpose. This year I have seen 3.  All three of these pieces of equipment have been no bigger than my thumb!  I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of sick joke.  I worry that the rest of the year will ...

You're with someone now.  When I found out, my heart did not sink.  I felt nothing.  For that, I am shocked.  I expected to be sad.  I'm told she's rude, obnoxious, and difficult to be around.  I hope that makes you kick yourself for screwing things up with me.  You had it good.  I keep telling myself that.  You are the one that's losing in this.  Not me. I hope you're happy.

I don't know how it's possible to be in love with someone you barely know.  I've only known him for a month.  He's unavailable to me.  In a relationship.  We've had a few encounters and our conversations were fun, playful, and intimate.  I can't get him out of my brain.  I think of a future with him.  I see myself happy with him. It's so confusing and irrational.  Why is it that my rational brain and my heart are on such different wave-lengths about this?  I told him I didn't think we should be friends.  It's not what I want.  I want more than that.   I should be proud of myself.  Instead I am heartbroken.  I have missed him every day since.  And why is that when you WANT to have a chance run-in with someone it doesn't happen.  Yet, when we don't want to see that person, they are everywhere.  I saw his girlfriend today.  It made me very angry.  I was wishing he was with her and...