it's just my face

Okay, since my last post I have (nearly) completed a half-marathon.  The days leading up to the event were like nothing I've ever experienced in my life!  I've never been so nervous about something that I couldn't sleep or eat.  No sleep, no food, just a couple of jittery days blurred together.  I had to force myself to eat.  I knew that I needed to be nourished so that my body had the energy to endure the long haul.  There was also the looming forecast for Sunday, mid 80's, sunny, and humid.  I haven't been training to run in heat like that.  The race directors have been bombing me (and everyone else) with emails and FB updates.  Shit was getting real.  I drank 2 gallons of water every day all week to prepare my body and tried not to focus on that part of the challenge. My trip to Green Bay the eve of the race was an emotional one.  I've invested so much thought, energy and time into this race.  I didn't want to fail.  ...

9 more days....  NINE!  Holy fuck!  When I committed to this 13.1 mile race, it seemed like it was worlds away.  Now it's only NINE DAYS!  I've put some miles on my feet, they are still sore from my last long run 4 days ago.  My quads are ripped, my legs feel strong.  I can do this!  But HOLY FUCK I'm nervous! I'm obsessed with this race.  What am I supposed to eat for the next week?  I know I'm not supposed to run, but can I exercise?  What if I trip at the start?  Look at all those people!  What am I going to wear?  What if I don't like my playlist for the race?  GAHHH! I read today's Cellcom newsletter this morning and I got so nervous I thought I was going to puke.  Then I cried.  Dear Lord, this next week is going to be a long one.  But in 10 days, I will be able to say, "I did it."

I ran ten miles tonight.  Ten slow, hard miles.  One thing I really love about running is all the time you have to let your mind wander.  Sometimes I even wander without a soundtrack playing in the background.  There have been many days where my mind goes to dark places.  I think bad things (mostly about myself), and then I process the information and manipulate it until I've thought of reasons why I shouldn't think those bad things anymore.  It's a good thing. Tonight I was thinking about the fact that I am alone.  It's not so much the alone that bothers me, but I'm starting to get lonely.  I don't feel this way all the time, but when I do it really sucks.  I've been tinkering with thoughts of "do I or don't I want to be in a relationship."  I miss being held, I miss having someone to share dinner with, I miss being told I'm beautiful and having my back rubbed... these are definitely the pro's of being in a relationship.  So I th...

Several months back, a friend of my family's posted a Facebook status about it being "I love you Thursday."  I didn't know the reasoning behind it, but I liked it.  So I commented on it that I love her (because I do) and went about my day.  This started the ball rolling and every Thursday from that point on, the two of us have made sure to tell one another that we love each other.  Last Thursday, I was thinking about the fact that I probably tell Peg I love her more than I tell my own father I love him.  Then it got bigger, I probably tell Peg I love her more than I love anyone (besides my mother, I talk to her daily) in my family.  I decided that this is just not right!  I do love Peg, but why should she be the only one aware of my constant and undying love!  Right then, I sent a text to everyone... my mom, dad, step-mom, step-dad, brother, sis-in-law, sister, sister, bff, soul sister.... The responses made me feel good.  Some were funny, ...

I haven't had sex in almost two months!  I've been sober (no drugs, alcohol, cigs) for a week!  I feel like a fucking nun!  I wanna get drunk, smoke a fat joint and have mad crazy sex with someone unfamiliar!  I think I'll make brownies instead.

I haven't been experiencing a large amount of self control lately.  I've been drinking more and staying up too late.  I haven't been getting drunk, just drinking more frequently.  This really effects my training.  I'm tired so I don't want to run.  I eat like shit, because I'd rather order Burger King or pizza than prepare a healthy meal.  I smoke cigarettes when I drink which makes breathing VERY challenging the next day...  All these things are not good!  With my first half-marathon looming, I feel like I need to take a stand so that I don't fall flat on my face when I get there!  34 days is not a long time people! So here goes nothing, starting Friday I will be sober until after my race is completed.  It's a scary thought, simply because I don't know that I will be able to.  And that's like admitting I have a problem.  I really don't think I have a problem.  I'm gonna miss my drinking buddies, but it's only for a litt...

I woke up to some text messages yesterday morning.  They were texts from a "friend" wondering if I wanted to engage in a sexual relationship.  He had asked me if I would consider going on a date with him about 6 weeks ago.  I said yes, but it never went any further.  He said that he heard from a mutual friend that I was interested in him but he also heard that I am crazy.  I refused his offer for crazy good sex because, I'm just not interested anymore.  So I guess that means I'm crazy.  He instantly opened the forum to cutting me down and trying to make me feel bad about myself.  Bad about myself because I don't want to have random sex with an underemployed old man.... RIIIIGHT.  Not to mention, he had to be drunk.  At 8 AM on a Sunday morning.  So I'm not going to hold a grudge, because I will see him again.  I'm not going to let it bother me either.  This will be the last time I mention it.  But here is my rebuttal....

I signed up for my first 1/2 marathon today.  Committed.  Paid for with no refund available.  No turning back!  I am so happy for myself and yet apprehensive at the same time!  I can not believe I have done such a thing.  A year ago there's no way I would believe that I could accomplish such a thing.  Running 13.1 miles?  are you kidding me?  Not now, I got this!  I can do this! Today I will start "training" for it.  I have been running as much as I can, but now I need to focus on getting ready to run further at one time than I have EVER ran!  No excuses.  This means I need to cut back on my drinking and partying and focus more on taking care of my body. I'm running this race with an old friend from high school.  Back in those days, we pushed each other to drink more, smoke more, fuck more than we ever had before.  Now we're pushing each other to run further.  It's funny how life works.  I've had pe...

As you can see by looking over the last year of blogginess, fitness and exercise have become a part of my life.  I've set several physical goals and exceeded those goals.  In the last couple of months, my commitment to exercise has wavered a bit.  Be it because of illness or busy schedule, I have been putting exercise on the back burner and I'm not happy about it.  I've had a million excuses- unacceptable!  My pants are getting tighter, I'm more aware of my belly, I'm spilling out of my pants.  I must get back to it! Today I was out shopping and I decided to get myself a new fitness DVD.  Another Jillian Michaels DVD because she gets my ass in gear.  I notice results and I look forward to doing her work outs.  Even though they kick my ass!  When I got home, I put away the things I had purchased and eagerly ripped open my new DVD!  I was so excited to do it.  (Kinda sick isn't it?)  Let me tell you, it kicked my ass! ...

This is a gorgeous picture of me.  I love it.  This picture has been responsible for restoring my confidence and reminding me that I am beautiful.  (Cathy, you've helped too) The amount of male attention I have received because of this photo is comical.  Honestly, I can't believe how many men have told me I look great in it.  It is responsible for getting me phone numbers.  There have been a few men who have told me repeatedly that I look good in it.  My reply is typically, "thanks, but you already told me that." It's funny and uplifting.  All I have to really say about it is, Thank God for good lighting and nice hair.  ;-)

There's this man.  He's trouble.  He's reckless.  He's absolutely amazing.  We have a chemistry and connection that is rare.  Every logical part of my being is telling me to stay away.  I feel safe, happy and content with him.  The free spirit in him keeps him away from me the majority of the time and even though I know this is a good thing, I miss him terribly when I don't see him.  I've never been kissed like that in my life.  His touch is so tender.  It's always on my mind. He says he wants us to be together.  He wants me to be his.  I want to be his.  Weird.  I think he's playing me or maybe he's scared.  I don't know.  I do know that right now I'm content to be alone and unattached for those moments when he decides to grace me with his presence.  It's not logical.  It's doesn't make sense at all.  But is it ever supposed to? I'll do my best to protect myself, but eventually this is go...

I can't fucking believe this!  I just got home from a night on the town with DARREN MCCARTY!  fuck yeah!  I'm drunk.  But I don't want to ever forget how I feel right this second.  I sang kareoke with a four time stanley cup winning hockey STAR!!  That.  Is.  SO.  fucking.  COOOOOOL!!!  Hahaha!  And here's the best part, I said goodnight, and he KISSED me!!!  FUCKING AWESOME!!!  haha!  And now I'm home because I am better than that!  YES!!  So proud of me right now!  FUCK YEAH!

I developed sooner than most girls my age.  I had boobs in fourth grade.  This fact always made me very self conscious.  The boys picked on me relentlessly.  I was weird, different.  I didn't fit.  I've never really thought I was beautiful or worth much.  I can recall specific things from my teenage years that caused me great grief. One night in middle school, my best bud decided she wanted to do my make-up before we went out for the night.  She decided to do my make-up to accentuate my lips.  I always thought my eyes were my best feature, she agreed but said that's why we should try to bring out a different feature.  When she was finished, I thought I looked beautiful.  I felt beautiful.  We finished getting ready and headed downtown.  Within minutes of being downtown, someone hollered at me, "look at her boobs!  What a freak!"  Instantly, I felt sad and out of place again. Another time...  I had a crus...