it's just my face

I started practicing yoga again.  I’ve done 337 minutes of yoga since March 12.  It’s ironic that I began doing all this yoga the morning the shit show began.  I feel stronger than I have in a while.  I feel accomplished when it’s completed for the day.  I also bought a few bikini’s and I intend to wear them in public.  So for all of you that will see me at the beach this summer and around the pool, you’re welcome. Namaste, Motherfucker.

Improper spelling of words drives me crazy.  I'm going to apologize for any errors in the last few posts.  I have been unable to figure out how to reinstate the spell check function. I will though. Peace.

Chronic pain is a bugger.  It takes over your life!!  holy fuck. This accident happened 2 years ago at the end of the month.  I am bilwildered by the fact this injury can feel so fresh with one wrong movement.  It's infuriating! I've been moving along nicely with my stregnth and excercise routine.  I have to be really careful with my neck when I'm doing yoga.  I modify everything.  I'm careful to keep my face relaxed.  I'm thankful that there are so many reminders to do so in the Down Dog yoga app I'm using.  (The muscles in my face are aggrivated as it is so if i'm grimacing, things are only intensified.)  Well, I was headed upstairs to fold some laundry, and I turned and looked at the cat (?) and BOOM!  I got a terrible cramp in my face and head and throat all at once!  A "CHARLIE HORSE" in my FACE!  It was around 1.  I immediately went to bed to lie down with my eyes closed.  I slept until 4.  I wake ...

Being interrupted is maddening.  Being interrupted and corrected while talking to one of my children about breaking a rule feels like the most disrespectful thing.  And it repeatedly happens by my partner!!  UGH! As I've gone through the last 2 years of life with this head pain I've learned so much.  I've never stood up for myself personally.  Now that I'm starting to see all the disrespect from my partner, I feel sad. He had a whole other relationship and thought that was okay.  I'm disgusted and hurt.  I'm mad at myself for accepting this behavior from him!  I've just had too much of everything else to deal with that too.  Right in my own home.  It's not that I wasn't aware of it every step of the way.  He's a terrible fucking liar.  That's not the point right now.  Don't fucking judge me either.  I'm not ready to give up. So I'm noticing how much he actually doesn't listen to me now.  He really only care...

I fucked up the other day.  I forgot to take my medicine.  It was a busy day full of kids and adventure.  I thought about taking my meds a few times but it slipped my mind until after dinner.  It was like someone flipped a switch and I went from feeling okay to completely miserable.  It took me a day and a half to recover to okay again too!  Fuck! Since my injury, I've had ringing in my right ear.  So you have an idea of what that's like, it sounds like this .  It's at varying volumes and I'm rather used to it now, but I know I'm in trouble when it gets to be more pronounced in my head, and I can FEEL the intensity of the pitch.  It's kind of like electricity in my ear and feels like pop rocks.  The pop rocks weren't so bad this time.  Adding regular sounds on top of all these specatcular sounds is dreadful. This is my warning that my TN is about to get owly.  Here's an image of the nerves that cause my pain. While that...

Yesterday was one of those days.  The days that come to remind you of past pain that you haven't dealt with yet.  Or maybe it's pain that you have been dealing with and you thought you'd dealt with it, but then someone says something and it all comes flooding back. I was reminded yesterday of the "best friend" I endured to be in my current relationship.  I knew all along that the relationship wasn't as innocent as it had been argued and argued and argued upon.  My gut doesn't steer me wrong too many times.  The last words that were spoken about it were, "you were right about XXXX" I shoud've clarified right there what that meant, but I guess I didn't catch it in the moment.  Right about what?  The entire scenario?  Oe just the part that she had no respect for me and wanted to be in my place?  I know there's no moving forward until I resolve it for myself. What a terrible feeling it was, when her name came up in conversation.  I ...

This Corona virus bullshit has really put a positive spin on my life.... our life.   We paid the bills!!  I'm going to file my income tax return today, and I will be able to catch up the house.  Unemployment money that good 'ol Donny is paying to Steven is dam near the same amount of money I was earning as Regional Manager for Burger King.  I can not tell you the amount of weight that has lifted off my shoulders. And. Cave Enterprises is failing!  Is it wrong of me that I'm getting a great deal of satisfaction from the fact that they are losing money at a rapid pace.  I hope that Ryan, and Adam are so stressed and anxious that they are kept up at night with worry.  I want to see Adam's full head of gray hair.  I imagine it happening. Those people deserve to pay for all of the anguish they put me through.  My mental health took a swan dive and none of the people that said they would take care of me did a damn thing.  T...

I really like to see how long I can stay away from the public during this lock-in.  Have you ever seen the show "Guy's Grocery Games"?  Object of the show is to make a high-end meal, but there's always a twist of some sort.  I like to play this game in my pantry!  Sometimes it's great, sometimes it doesn't work out.  Last night I made deconstructed egg rolls.   If you've never attempted to pan fry egg noodles in butter, you're missing out!  Yum! So there was that, and stir-fried cabbage with carrots,onions, and salt pork!  Holy fuck, so great! Steven said he'd vote me through to the next round. Ha!

I've never felt so heartbroken. I know how much I love. I don't know how someone could betray me so deeply, and look me in the eye. I know I'm worth more than that.  And to have the two closest people become two people who's trust I have to question.  Heartbroken understates how I feel.

I'm in this spot in life where it seems as though everything has stopped.  There's motion all around and people are moving forward all around me and I've stopped. I'm afraid of this pain that lives in my head.  If I participate too much, it becomes more aggressive. The cold hits my cheeks and I instantly feel like there are knives in my face and the right side of my head is in a brain freeze.  It FUCKING sucks.  Oh so anyway, I'm moving through life but I feel like it's a movie.   I'm waiting for my attorney and the defense attorney to meet and try to work shit out.  How can they work shit out without me?  Don't I get a say?  This has been the worst thing that's ever happened.   I can't speak for myself.   Literally and figuratively can't speak for myself.   I don't even know that I want to.

This morning I received a dick pic (maybe, maybe it was a thumb with a bandaid on it).  It was completely random, and because it was unexpected I didn't really get a look at it.... anyway. Because there was a delay in response, he then had messaged a joke underneath.  I replied "lil" 🤭  it's not what I MEANT to say, my phone was being honest I guess. I ruined his self esteem.   Ha! Also, at what age does it become inappropriate to send unsolicited dick pics? 🤣

Why is it that at 42 years young, I’m still having raging period cramps?!  Like seriously, did I misunderstand something in Health class?  I swear, Aunt FLo has gotten more and more feisty with age.  I’ve been in bed for a couple days.  The alien that lives in my uterus was using a razor blade to rid it’s lining. It seems as though chronic pain is aggravated by hormone changes. Glad to be upright today.

Our cats are a very important part of my family so I thought I’d do a little post and let you me my pussies... tee hee... This is Abbadon, otherwise known as Abby Sue.  She’s the loner of the bunch.  Her preference is to be alone, in the quiet upstairs, sleeping in a pile of socks.  Abbadon’s got a beautiful voice, and if she uses it with you, feel blessed.  She’s also a fierce killer.  She doesn’t spend much time at home in the summer months.  Our neighbors have mixed feeling about that.  Abby is Dad’s cat, not that it really matters. Her sister also lives here.  Her name is Sprinkles, or sprinks.  She’s loud and obnoxious and always talking.  She likes to look out the windows and sleeps her days away on kitty perches.  If you have ice cream or cereal, your bowl belongs to her.  She’s kind of a bitch about it...  Sprinkles is always the cat that will sleep on my chest when I’m feeling extra stressed.  They ...

Today is my 42nd birthday.  If we’re ranking years of our life for being challenging, this one ranks right at the top.  When I look back on all of the changes this year has brought to my life and the GROWTH.  My perceptions of what is important, and what I will prioritize in my life has changed.  I have lived my life in a way that puts the needs of almost everything ahead of my own.  I allowed my health to become so low on the list of priorities that I damn-near died, all for the cause of my career.  The career that was taken from me when I said I needed to prioritize my health. ** I didn’t write this today, I just forgot to post it on my birthday. ** I went from being a completely independent working woman that handled about 8 million dollars of Whopper sales each year with ease, to a woman who can barely decide which frozen hunk of meat to take out for dinner.  I haven’t been able to pay my house payment in months.  My Jeep is getting reposs...

I figured I should give you a little follow up to my appointment the other day.  I meant to, but alas this is my life now.  I probably saw a bright, shiny object and lost 5 or 6 hours of the day.  It happens more than I care to admit.  Actually, I was rearranging the pantry.  I made it more kid friendly.  I also swept the FUCKING LIVING ROOM!  I say it like that because my kids are pigs.  Also, I should pic up some stock from the Little Debbie corporation and get a little of my money back. My PCP and I had a very productive appointment.  I’m please to announce that not only do I think I have Trigeminal Neuralgia, but she agrees with me.  It’s being treated now and I’m feeling a little better.  I still don’t feel all the way better, but at least I don’t feel like I’m growling all the time.  I have another follow up appointment in a month.  She mentioned the possibility of referring me to another neurologist, that will b...

I wrote this the other day, I forgot to post... “Okay Google, How many days since May 30, 2018?” It’s a question I ask often.  Six hundred and twelve is the tally today.  That’s the day I got hit on the head and everything changed.  The hardest thing for me has been all this fucking PAIN!!  Sometimes it doesn’t hurt, but it feels like there are a million tiny bugs crawling underneath my skin, and it’s itchy or it burns, or it pulls.  MOST mornings I wake up feeling like I got slapped in the face real hard by some dumb drunk girl at the bar, except I was so drunk that I don’t recall the fight.  Except I wasn’t drunk and I didn’t go out and this has been happening like some terrible thing over and over again.  Like Groundhog’s Day, day 613.   I have bad days when I can’t get out of bed because the pain is so severe.  My face hurts, my neck burns, everything twitches, the SOUNDS that come through my right ear aren’t tolerable.  S...