Fragments of 41
Today is my 42nd birthday. If we’re ranking years of our life for being challenging, this one ranks right at the top. When I look back on all of the changes this year has brought to my life and the GROWTH. My perceptions of what is important, and what I will prioritize in my life has changed. I have lived my life in a way that puts the needs of almost everything ahead of my own. I allowed my health to become so low on the list of priorities that I damn-near died, all for the cause of my career. The career that was taken from me when I said I needed to prioritize my health.
** I didn’t write this today, I just forgot to post it on my birthday. **
I went from being a completely independent working woman that handled about 8 million dollars of Whopper sales each year with ease, to a woman who can barely decide which frozen hunk of meat to take out for dinner. I haven’t been able to pay my house payment in months. My Jeep is getting repossessed. My loyalty to my owner and drive to be successful almost killed me. My anxious need to take care of everything and not depend on anyone or ask for help almost killed me. My weakness of not ever saying no almost killed me. The need to hide my vulnerabilities in the name of saving someone else almost killed me.
I learned a lot about boundaries this year and I have been working on flexing that muscle more and more. I’ve realized that no one is going to take care of me, I HAVE to. I’m not talking about financially or physically or sexually. My mental health is my responsibility. If I’m uncomfortable it’s something, no one will know if I don’t speak up for myself. And if speaking up for myself hurts your feelings, FUCK your feelings!
I’ve been taught my whole life that I should be ashamed of my less-than-perfect figure. My internal voice has been hateful. I’m getting better at loving my body with all of it’s flaws. Damn, am I strong. I’m grateful for my health. There are many parts of me that have become more healthy and strong over the last year. Other parts of me have crumbled in the last year, I experienced pain daily. Invisible pain. Pain that no one sees because I look great. I hear it all the time, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’ve spent the last 31 years covering my breasts because I’ve been taught that I should be ashamed of them. Pfft! It’s a shame the way our society is so biased to male/female sexuality.
** I didn’t write this today, I just forgot to post it on my birthday. **
I went from being a completely independent working woman that handled about 8 million dollars of Whopper sales each year with ease, to a woman who can barely decide which frozen hunk of meat to take out for dinner. I haven’t been able to pay my house payment in months. My Jeep is getting repossessed. My loyalty to my owner and drive to be successful almost killed me. My anxious need to take care of everything and not depend on anyone or ask for help almost killed me. My weakness of not ever saying no almost killed me. The need to hide my vulnerabilities in the name of saving someone else almost killed me.
I learned a lot about boundaries this year and I have been working on flexing that muscle more and more. I’ve realized that no one is going to take care of me, I HAVE to. I’m not talking about financially or physically or sexually. My mental health is my responsibility. If I’m uncomfortable it’s something, no one will know if I don’t speak up for myself. And if speaking up for myself hurts your feelings, FUCK your feelings!
I’ve been taught my whole life that I should be ashamed of my less-than-perfect figure. My internal voice has been hateful. I’m getting better at loving my body with all of it’s flaws. Damn, am I strong. I’m grateful for my health. There are many parts of me that have become more healthy and strong over the last year. Other parts of me have crumbled in the last year, I experienced pain daily. Invisible pain. Pain that no one sees because I look great. I hear it all the time, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’ve spent the last 31 years covering my breasts because I’ve been taught that I should be ashamed of them. Pfft! It’s a shame the way our society is so biased to male/female sexuality.
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