Hey Google

I wrote this the other day, I forgot to post...

“Okay Google, How many days since May 30, 2018?”

It’s a question I ask often.  Six hundred and twelve is the tally today.  That’s the day I got hit on the head and everything changed.  The hardest thing for me has been all this fucking PAIN!!  Sometimes it doesn’t hurt, but it feels like there are a million tiny bugs crawling underneath my skin, and it’s itchy or it burns, or it pulls.  MOST mornings I wake up feeling like I got slapped in the face real hard by some dumb drunk girl at the bar, except I was so drunk that I don’t recall the fight.  Except I wasn’t drunk and I didn’t go out and this has been happening like some terrible thing over and over again.  Like Groundhog’s Day, day 613.  

I have bad days when I can’t get out of bed because the pain is so severe.  My face hurts, my neck burns, everything twitches, the SOUNDS that come through my right ear aren’t tolerable.  SOUND isn’t tolerable because it hurts.  Going into the cold is terrifying because the wind triggers pain and creates cluster headaches, the muscles spasms that happen naturally when your body is cold have become painful for me.  I dread going to most of my son’s hockey events because the mental and physical preparation behind it has become such an event for me.  I miss most of my older son’s games because I think he may understand a little more than the little one.  But if anyone knows anything about me at all, it kills me to miss either!

I’ve lost a total of 75 pounds because of this.  Eating, talking, SMILING, singing have all become painful.  It’s terrible.  My throat burns and if food hits my mouth the wrong way my throat will easily spasm at it’s embarrassing and weird and gross!!!  And l’m sure Steven could insert some of his own “quality of life” struggles here if you catch my wind.  Back to the food thing, I stick to soft shit because I cant CHEW anything.  Biting is difficult so fuck it, mostly cereal and eggs and bananas it is!  NOTHING tastes right either, most things taste like sand.  I binge on candy or I can’t imagine how thin I’d be.  CRYING triggers pain, SPICY FOOD triggers pain, LIGHT triggers pain, SOUND triggers pain, COLD DRINKS trigger pain.  I could go on and on.  This is just my face, guys.  I’m also dealing with some other neck pain... maybe... that runs down into my shoulders and I can’t turn my head correctly and I have no balance.  Maybe it’s all because of this FUCKING nerve in my face.  I don’t know.  I’m sending it out into the universe that on day numero 614, when I visit my primary care doctor for damn near the 22 time in the last calendar year she will diagnose Trigeminal Neuralgia, because that’s what this is.  Google it, it’s terrible and it has changed my life completely.

I haven’t worked in almost a year.  Because of the injuries to my head, brain, and neck, my doctor deemed me unable to work until further medical evaluations were done.  My injuries occurred during an accident that happened while I was working at the Burger King in Marquette.  The poet in me sees irony in the fact that the Burger King that popped my cherry is also the Burger King that tried to kill me!  My journey with Burger King was 23 years long with many twists, turns, ups, and downs.  Now I’m still here licking my wounds from what I now see as the most dysfunctional relationship in my life, my relationship with the King.  Have I mentioned that I also haven’t received any income since I left work?  Now there’s a lot of in between but long story short is “someone” “forgot” to file the incident with the insurance company.  I should have NEVER begged my doctor to give me a “light duty” work clearance, but we can’t take that back now.  Fuck me for all of this, right?  Everything is pending as far as my life goes.  I just kind of floating along.  I’m just really hopeful that on day 614 my doctor will finally diagnose this.  There’s no remedy, and I’m not a candidate for surgery according to one doctor, but maybe with a diagnosis the doctors will look at my scans a little bit closer.  But everything I’ve read says surgery doesn’t help, so should I even bother?  IT ONLY GET’S WORSE?!!!  FUCK!!  The Neuropsycolgist I saw told me that sometimes insurance companies will say that people are acting extreme because they “feel it will earn them a higher pay out” (read: I’m faking).  All I can say to that is “FUCK YOU INSURANCE PEOPLE!!!”  I’m going to be objective, you tell me if I’m being extreme.

Single mother of 2 earns her own way through life by working at Burger King.  She starts at BK at age 18 and works her way to becoming a General Manager by age 23.  At age 40, with an 18 year old and a 3 year old, she injures her face, neck, and brain and is unable to work for 22 days.  On day 21, there is a natural disaster in the town of one of her locations and no one above her is concerned.  Day 22 she begs her doctor to allow her to return to work so she can take care of the location falling in a sink hole because no one else cared.  No one cared anyway as the entire time she was “OFF WORK” she still had to manage all 6 locations through her computer and phone.  She continued on her “light duty” path for 230 ish days before she FINALLY got the serious attention of the owner and he kindly agreed that she needed a break.  He told her on the phone that he was responsible and he will take care of everything.  Her career was stripped, her house is in foreclosure, her brain doesn’t work properly, stress causes pain, crying causes pain.  A vehicle has been repossessed, utilities are all in shut off.  A woman who has always been able to take care of herself (and 140 others) quite easily is suddenly in this fight and she can barely hold up her head and can be taken out with a single LED.

I don’t think I’m being extreme when I say this has been a traumatic experience.  And please know how much strength it takes for me to smile when I see you on th