it's just my face

The last week has been difficult for me.  I feel alone, out of place, and sad.  I found out the other day that Greg is having another baby with his new girlfriend.  He's very excited and happy.  This revelation makes me sad for several reasons.  I'm sad for his kids, I'm sad for his ex.  I'm sad because I have come to the realization that we will never be together again.  It's not like I didn't already know this, but now it's definite.  There's no turning back.  Wrong for me or right, good for me or not, I will always love that man.  It's hard to comprehend that thought, it's really over. I'm totally frustrated with the way things are in my love life.  I feel like the only men that are attracted to me are douche bags or already taken.  When I look back, it seems it's always been that way.  Why can't I find someone who is good for me and good to me?  I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong.  It's got to ...

Humans are judgmental creatures.  They believe what they hear, jump to conclusions, and slap a label on someone before getting to know them.  I try not to live this way.  I'm not gonna lie, I DO judge people right away, I just don't let my judgement of them be the final decision in my getting to know them.  I look beyond that.    I've been slapped with a pretty fantastic label myself.  It's official.  I'm a home wrecker. I prefer friendships with men.  I relate better to them than I do woman, they are not as emotional or needy (well, most of them aren't anyway).  I'm a flirt.  I flirt shamelessly with most men.  I think it should be an Olympic sport, if it were, I may win a metal.  It makes me feel good about myself, it makes them feel good about themselves, in my eyes, it's a win-win.  Flirting does not mean that I want to sleep with your man honey.  These may be some of the things that have lead me to this lab...

33. Growing up, I thought life ended at 30.  I didn't think I'd ever see the day.  I thought that if I did, I would be miserable, washed-up, OLD.  I didn't see much use in any life that could possibly exist afterward.  I thought that way!  I really did.  It's crazy to think about it now.  My life has only gotten better since then.  And this has been one of the most life changing years thus far.  It has been truly wonderful.  I must admit that reading back over the posts, I see that it started out rough.  I am so grateful for all of the positive changes, new people, and new opportunities that I have had in the last year.  I only see it getting better. My perspective on life is positive.  I am comfortable with myself as a person.  That's something I could never say before.  There are still things that I'd like to change, but if it stayed the same that would be okay.  I have a wonderful son, a job I'm ...

The boy  is still around.  Things haven't changed too much.  Except I feel he will make it to my birthday!  He's a blast.  I can't say his name without laughing out loud.  He doesn't pressure me about anything.  He's perfectly content with the way things are.  And so am I.  I told him about my "episode" kissing another boy on Saturday night.  He didn't flip out, he wasn't jealous.  It was so refreshing.  I can honestly say that I've never been in a relationship like it!  I love hanging out with him.  He's got a great group of friends that I now call my own.  We play cards, we have beers.  They're supportive, down-to-earth, and would give me the shirt off their back if I needed it more.  It's a good thing.  He sleeps over two or three times a week.  I even let him call me baby in public.  We are still not exclusive. Here's the deal.  I'm taking him home this weekend.  Not hom...

I want to take a minute to talk to you about something that is ALWAYS top of mind.  Pubic hair.  Yes, it's strange, I know.  I admit, I think about pubic hair.  Is it just me or has the grooming of pubic hair become an obsession these days?  Has it always been this way and I just didn't notice?  I remember seeing commercials in my early teens about shaving the "bikini area" but I think things have gotten a little out of hand.  Even boys are shaving!  Bald.  Let me be the first to say, when I see a bald set of nuts, I view a man differently.  What's the purpose?  Does he think he appears bigger?  I think he's nuts!  (No pun intended) I can understand why a woman shaves, trims and grooms.  I can imagine choking on a pubic hair while going "downtown" is not fun.  Out of courtesy, I'll keep my parts in check.  No braids.  However, I do not understand the point of bald.  Can someone PLEASE enlighten m...

So 2 weeks have gone by and the boy is still around.  He's not smothering me as much.  I get my space.  He makes me laugh.  He's full of energy.  But I still don't know what I'm doing.  He calls me baby, and I let him.  I don't think I like it, but I let him.  He asked me the other day if we could be exclusive.  I said no.  He was upset, (haha) but he accepted that answer and moved on.  He talks a lot about the future, like plans for my birthday.  All I can think when he talks like that is, "if you're still around" I think he's around because he's filling a void.  I'm tired of being alone.  So I let him sleep over.  I let him call me baby.  Romantic, isn't it?  I wonder what he would think if he knew how I really felt.  I wonder if I should tell him.  Nah.  I've told him this much.  I don't want to be exclusive.  If the opportunity presents itself, I will date o...

It was a few weeks ago.  I was feeling lonely.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  I was dreaming of the way that I wished my life would be.  I was hoping and praying for a boy to call my own.  I wanted someone to take care of me.  I wanted someone to watch TV and movies with, to cook dinner, play cards.  Someone I could hang out with.  And so here I sit, two weeks later, feeling smothered.  I found a boy.  He's a nice boy.  He's real sweet, a good kisser.  He made me dinner.  And he won't go away! Maybe I am being irrational.  I don't know how I went from completely alone to picking out a china pattern in a week!  I'm not in love.  I have feelings.  I don't know what they are.  This boy is CRAZY for me.  Or maybe he's just crazy.  He's calling, texting, he calls me "baby".  I heard him refer to me as "his girl" more than once in a conversation today.  I'm not his girl.  I ...

http://youtu.be/NAc83CF8Ejk This song is perfect for how I'm feeling right now.  One year tomorrow.  I don't regret my decision to move on.  It was the right choice.  I'm a better person for it.  The last year I have grown tremendously.  I'm thankful for the time I've spent with myself, my friends and my family.  I miss him.  I don't miss the person I was with when I left, I miss the person I was with when it all started.  I am fearful that I won't find someone like that again. I have many great memories with him, and I have regrets.  But we can only learn from our past and try not to make those same mistakes in the future.

This world is a crazy, judgemental place.  There are so many different thoughts and beliefs about intimate relationships and how they "should" be.  They "should" be between a man and a woman.  The man and woman "should" get married.  They "should" stay married forever and ever.  They "should" buy a house, have children, build a white picket fence and live happily ever after.  I know I'm not alone in this, but I don't believe this to be truth.  I don't believe that a man and a woman are supposed to be together forever.  Maybe I'm jaded, but I just don't think it's possible to maintain a fun, exciting relationship ONE person for fifty years or more.  Heck I don't ever think it's possible for 10 years!  Not without a little side action. Another word for monogamy in the thesaurus is restraint.  Monogamy is overrated. Men get a bad rep for being the cheaters in a relationship.  In my honest opinion, women ...

I've heard people say it before.  "This was the best <insert word here> of my life"  And quite honestly, this is one of those sayings that makes me want to roll my eyes like a 13 year old girl with a bad case of PMS!  But I mean it when I say, this WAS the best summer of my life.  I don't ever remember being so content, happy, confident in all my life.  It was a perfect balance of a party, family, crazy, peaceful life.  It was work hard, play harder. June was fun.  School got out.  We learned our summer boundaries.  We beached it.  Me and the boys.  And when I say boys, I mean as many 12 and 13 year old boys as I could pack in my van.  I was that Mom.  We talked about chicks and sex, but mostly sports.  I learned a few things I didn't know; urbandictionary.com came in handy fo' sho!  It was fun and I'm sure I succeeded in my goal of making memories my boy will never forget. July was probably the mo...

In February I began a quest to start running.  This decision changed my life forever.  I must say it was not an easy thing to commit to.  I had many reasons not to do it.  Here are the reasons it took me so long to start running.  These thoughts played over and over in my head every day. I can't run because I'll only make it a block before I get tired I can't run because someone might see me struggle. I can't run because I'm too fat. I can't run because I don't have time. I can't run because I have a bad back and it may injure it. I can't run because I can't breathe when I run. I can't run because shin splints hurt. I can't run because my boobs are too big. I can't run because I'm already on my feet for 10 or 12 hours a day at work.  Running will only put more strain on them. I can't run because there's no way I will be able to work up enough stamina to make it worth it. Let me tell you, even WRITING...

Recently, You and I had a conversation concerning money.  You were afraid that you were going to be sent to jail for non-payment of child support.  Non-payment of $73 a month.  All that you are legally obligated to pay to financially support your son is $73 a month.  This is insulting to me and to your son.  Even more insulting is that you claim to be unable to afford said money each month.  Bullshit!  You CHOOSE not to afford this money every month.  Choosing to instead spend your money on things like alcohol, vacations, dinners out, partying.  I see where your son lies on your list of priorities.  Towards the bottom.  One of the things I suggested to you was that you get another job.  A second job to help support yourself and help you support your son.  Your response to that was, "then I will never get to see my son"  Really?  when do you see him now?  Not as often as you COULD.  Another choice...

There's been something on my mind and I've been struggling for the right words to get it out.  This is the third different blog entry for the same thoughts.  I didn't post the others.  I hope it comes out right this time. What's the deal with men?  Honestly.  They really are weak creatures.  Don't get me wrong, women can be too.  But I laugh at the amount of crazy, weak, insecure males that I see around me.  Maybe there's a sign on my forehead, or an invisible beacon that says I'll listen.  Maybe I'm too nice.  I do listen.  And I laugh, and I share my thoughts.  And somehow I end up being tossed aside when I am no longer needed to listen.  And I end up feeling hurt and used. It seems like every man I know turns to me to pour their heart out when they are having women troubles, they attempt to get into my pants (unsuccessfully).  And then pretend they don't know me anymore when things are smoothed over w...

I coordinate my underwear with my outfits.  I wear specific undies with specific dresses.  There are zebra stripes for sassy days and lace for sexy days.  I have plain ones for when my Aunt is visiting and nude ones for white pants.  A lot of thought goes into my undergarments on a daily and weekly basis.  During the 40 day quest one of the things that I did not plan was my underwear wardrobe.  The plainer the better.  If I'm not feeling very sexy, I will not attract sex.  Right?  Wrong. The night I spent with Dimps , I was wearing the biggest pair of underwear I own!  I believe I took them from a sail boat in the harbor earlier in the evening.  I mean, I can tuck my BOOBS into these suckers.  They were plain and black and comfy and rival the kind my grandmother wore.  HUGE!  In my frantic attempt to escape the house without waking a sole that morning, I could not locate my skivvies and so I fled the scene.  I ...

In January I asked to participate in something that changed my life forever.   I was feeling very down and alone so I reached out to one of my best friends.   Within our conversation, she told me about the Warrior Dash and emailed me a link to check it out.   I looked at the link and laughed, “There’s no way you can do this!” I then looked at the pictures on the Facebook page.   There was one woman in particular that stood out to me.   She was overweight and CLEARLY out of shape.   She did it.   “Maybe I can do this,” I thought.   If I train and prepare myself I can do this.   So the next I scraped together my $50 and registered myself for the July 30, running of the Warrior Dash in Mt. Morris, MI.   I had seven months to prepare.   The Warrior Dash is a 3.1 mile race with 12 obstacles dispersed throughout.   I couldn’t run a block without feeling like death!   I had seven months to prepare. I did some research online abou...

It's raining again. Perfect Puddles Hiawatha toes I'll bring the sun. Kamp Kramer Smoke rising to the cotton ball clouds Carrying the melody of the fiddle to the heavens Main stage in the distance Backwoods bottle opening 101.  KBC beer bracelets Beer me!  again!  AGAIN! I like your necklace.  Can I have it? Walk-about. Beer me? French Canadian Sex on stage. Simone Puppy Chairs Truth or Dare I dare you to kiss me. "That's no dare!" TRAPPED! Cut a hole, or tuck and roll? "E"motional support "It's about time you get out of my tent!" Dead River brew Fuzzy morning recap Fuzzy Border Grille? No, Togos Get laid back stage? Outlaw Bloody Mary's Butt cleavage "These things are good.  What's in them?  Crack?" Tie One On Where's my tie? no ice? Bonjour Simone! Laid back Sunday is about to get higher. Sweating to French Sex on main stage. Jumping, TWIRLING Clapping, laughing Follow...

I am left scratching my head after the last few days.  I am confused and annoyed.  Here's just a sample: Pretty Girl goes on romantic moon-lit stroll with Logger Boy.  They talk, laugh, kiss.  She plays with his log.  A good time is had by all.  Logger Boy takes Girl home and holds her until morning.  Logger Boy asks Girl to come out and play the next night only to become MIA.  Logger Boy says he's been "busy with work."    RIIIGHT...  Word on the street is that logger boy is piling his wood in someone else's yard. Old Friend is in town.  He HOT.  There's always been attraction, it's never been the right time.  He texts, "let's hang out."  Sure.  LOVE to see him.  "Send me a pic."  No.  I don't do pics.  Suddenly he's busy...  Nice knowin' ya. Redneck Man comes to BK with Common-Law Wife quite often.  Redneck Man slips Sexy Manager a note on Friday, "darts, sonda...

It happened.  The sluttiest day in the history of my life.  Mark your calendars.  Here's how it went down: Let me give you a little history between me and my history making man.  This young man and I exchange glances every time we see one another.  He's a "regular" at work.  I wanted him and I could tell he wanted me to.  Our comments and conversations were getting more and more flirtatious with each passing day.  He said he wanted to hang out.  I didn't want to hang out, but I wanted to fuck.  I think they meant the same thing.  So when the opportunity presented itself, I gave him my number.  I was so nervous, I was shaking.  I couldn't speak.  He gave me a knowing smile and within' minutes he was texting.  I learned his name.  Within 2 hours I would see him naked. He came over after work for a quickie.  He walked in and we kissed.  We got to know each other a little between the kissing and s...

It was a perfect Sunday evening.  A new hot spot in town with my best friend and her family.  I was accidentally drunk off of good beer.  I tasted them all.  The music was good, the conversation was good, the people watching was excellent.  It was a good time.  I still had every intention of completing my 40 days.  I was almost done.  Only 14 or so left.  I was okay with going home alone.  I was doing my best to not be the flirty girl that I normally am.  I even turn downed an offer that had been presented to me.  "I don't want sex, I just want to cuddle." I was proud of myself. Then it happened.  He walked in with his cut off rock and roll t-shirt, swim trunks, and equally obnoxious shoes.  His body wreaked of chlorine like cheap cologne.  I went over to say hello.  We hugged.  I still had no intentions of breaking my streak.  We talked about the going on's of our lives and laughed.  I te...

Today was a hard day.  I miss Greg.  Alot.  I never thought I would still be struggling with this all this time later.  9 months later.  It hurts the most when I am alone.  So there I was driving to my meeting and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  We are never going to be together again.  There are songs that I still can't listen to.  I let them play today.  And I sobbed.  I haven't ever really given myself the chance to feel what I'm feeling about him.  I push it away.  Focus on other things, or other people. I can't remember why I left.  I doubt myself now for making that decision.  I'm not sure I made the right one.  We always forget the bad things, right? And tomorrow begins a week alone.  No Izaak, he'll be gone.  No boyfriend.  I can't even have a male "distraction," that would void my experiment and I would really be mad at myself.  I don't remember a time when I was this alone....

"If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten." I am unhappy with the status of my male relationships.  I feel that trying a different approach my get me a different result.  Every relationship I've ever had has begun in the sack, THEN I get to know that person.  I feel that this approach may have gotten me into some of the unhealthy relationships that I have been in.  I feel that sex has driven so much of what I do on a daily basis, that it may have become a bit of a problem.  And so for 40 day, it is my intention to abstain from any sort of sexual activity.  I can't tell you the last time I've gone that long without any sort of sexual stimuli.  It should be interesting.  I'll let you know how it goes.  According to my calculations, 40 days will be complete on July 4, Independence Day.  Kind of fitting, don't you think?

As I sat at soccer practice last night a thought crossed my mind.  "I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have to be here right now."  I then began fantasizing about quiting my job, packing my bags, and moving.  Starting over.  I could use a fresh start right about now.  For a minute, I resented the force that holds me here.  I was angry that I was the one that HAD to be there.   At soccer.  A Corona to celebrate Cinco de Mayo sounded better to me, but NO!  I was at soccer!  Before he came along, I did what I wanted.  I didn't think about how my actions affected anyone, not even myself.  I was reckless, irresponsible.  Perhaps even wild. Then came the guilt.  He depends on me.  He depends on me for everything.  That's HUGE.  Everything.  I've created the life he lives.  The life that makes him happy.  I am the reason he is the person he is....

"I'm not a slut.  I just have the desires and morals of a man." I heard that in a movie once.  The movie was about a slut.  I really don't believe the word to be that of a negative one.  To each his own.  Some of us happen to enjoy sexual variety more than others.  I don't think this is a bad thing.  It can get you into trouble every now and again. As of late, I have been trying to explore different things in my life.  One of those things is dating.  I've never been a big "dater."  I have always prefered to go to a bar, set my sights, play the game, get what I want and go home.  I have become very good at this over the years.  Maybe too good.  I figured it was time to try something new.  Up until recently, I had never been on a offical date BEFORE sleeping with someone.  (I'm a slut.)  I thought I would try it, see what all the hype's about.  Let me just say, I'm not impressed Maybe I haven't been...

I didn't know what to expect when I saw you.  It's been so long.  I didn't know how you would react to me.  I didn't know how I would react to you.  I thought about it all day.  Worried it would hurt. It was so nice to see you .  I forgot how easy it is for me to talk to you.  You look great, handsome as ever.  I never thought that leaving you would be this hard.  I still love you.  It makes me wonder why I even left in the first place.  I wonder if I made the right choice.  I am always going to love you.  I will always be proud of you.  I look forward to the day when I stop comparing every lover to you.  Every kiss, every touch.  It's not you.  It's not the same. It was hard for me to take my eyes off of you .  I could see that you were struggling with the same problem.  I can't stop thinking about that.  I can't help but think about what would have happened if it went a little bit d...

About a year ago,  my mother gave me a book.  It's called, "The Language Of Letting Go."  It's a book of daily meditations for codependent people.  I was a little insulted but I took the book anyway.  At first I didn't read it, but now I read it everyday.  Mostly I open the book because when I do, the familiar scent of my mother comes wafting from the pages. I am still struggling with the meditation for April 14. Today, I will practice tolerance, acceptance, and love of others as they are (okay, I got that down) , and myself as I am (pfft!  There are so many things I need to change!  I can't accept myself) .  I will strive for that balance of expecting too much and expecting too little from others and myself. That voice in my head needs to change.  Do you know which one I am talking about?  The negatitve one that points out all of my imperfections.  I don't expect much from myself.  That way, when I fail, I'm n...

I am not important to him.  He is any number of men that I have given my attention to recently.  This realization has paralized me.  It has taken my will to smile, care about my appearance, laugh.  I am not important to him.  I am fed-up, tired, and frustrated.  Why do we do this?  Why are we always looking for someone to love us?  Why isn't the love we give ourselves ever enough?  Why can't I teach myself that it is enough?  I would like to believe that there will come a day when I say, "Fuck you, I don't care what you think.  It's not important."  I'm not there yet. 

A man recently said to me, "You are gorgeous, don't ever settle."  I smiled and passed it off as another cheesy pick up line in the bar.  He began again. "I mean it.  You are one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  You deserve to be with someone who is going to tell you that you are beautiful everyday.  Do not settle for anything less."  I thanked the man and then headed out the door.  The more I thought about it, the more I agreed with what this man had told me.  It made me think.  What are my standards?  What do I expect?  What are some things that are non-negotiable? This list is subject to change, but it's a good place to start.  Here are some of the qualities that I expect Mr. Right to obtain. No picky eaters need apply.  If I can't cook for you then there's no deal.  I am impulsive and whimsical in the kitchen, if I gotta think about someone's finicky self, I'm done. Employment is a necessity. I...

Have you ever gone through a phase in your life where there were many coinsidences?  The same kind of things keep popping up (no pun intended) all over and you can't seem to wonder if God, mother nature, the universe (whatever you may believe in)  is trying to get back at you for something.  I must have done something to deserve the luck I have been dealt in the penis department this year.  Maybe it's something I said.  I have seen and touched my fair share of cock.  Let me say, I must have had my lucky streak early.  I'm not quite sure where average may fall, but in my past, there haven't been many that were average.  Some were uncomfortably large, but mostly good sized piece of equipment.  Very good at serving their purpose. This year I have seen 3.  All three of these pieces of equipment have been no bigger than my thumb!  I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of sick joke.  I worry that the rest of the year will ...

You're with someone now.  When I found out, my heart did not sink.  I felt nothing.  For that, I am shocked.  I expected to be sad.  I'm told she's rude, obnoxious, and difficult to be around.  I hope that makes you kick yourself for screwing things up with me.  You had it good.  I keep telling myself that.  You are the one that's losing in this.  Not me. I hope you're happy.

I don't know how it's possible to be in love with someone you barely know.  I've only known him for a month.  He's unavailable to me.  In a relationship.  We've had a few encounters and our conversations were fun, playful, and intimate.  I can't get him out of my brain.  I think of a future with him.  I see myself happy with him. It's so confusing and irrational.  Why is it that my rational brain and my heart are on such different wave-lengths about this?  I told him I didn't think we should be friends.  It's not what I want.  I want more than that.   I should be proud of myself.  Instead I am heartbroken.  I have missed him every day since.  And why is that when you WANT to have a chance run-in with someone it doesn't happen.  Yet, when we don't want to see that person, they are everywhere.  I saw his girlfriend today.  It made me very angry.  I was wishing he was with her and...

Today I am vulnerable.  I feel used.  I feel sad.  The way he looked at me broke my heart. He's not as happy without you.  I know.  I could see it too. Vulnerable.  Confused.

I feel sad today.  I've been feeling sad many days.  Missing him.  I'm not sure why, but I feel like I need to move on and at the same time I mourn the relationship that I love so much.  My emotions are right under the surface.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I am no more lonely than I was when I was with him.  But now I am alone.  I was sure that if I left, things would change.  I was sure that I wouldn't be lonely anymore because my calendar would fill up with all these people and things that would be so fun.  Now, I home on the couch.  Stuck.  Alone.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I fear seeing him.  I'm afraid he will be happier without me.  They say time heals all wounds, this one seems to be getting deeper.